While I am not a qualified teacher, or even an experienced meditator, I do not agree that the Buddha’s position was that one cannot actively develop mindfulness, concentration, and wisdom. In fact, it seems to me that the Buddha did indeed encourage his followers to develop these things. To begin with, the Buddha taught that whatever is impermanent is stressful, and whatever is stressful is not-self. The goal of Buddhism is to essentially take this [analytical] knowledge, along with a specific set of practices, as a stepping stone to what I can only describe as a profound psychological event in the mind. Nevertheless, that does not mean that I believe the teachings on not-self are understood to deny individuality (MN 22) as well as individual effort (attakara), far from it. I believe that their intended purpose it to merely point out the ultimately unsatisfactory nature of the psycho-physical entity consisting of mind and matter in a variety of ways as well as the insubstantiality of our ego which is built upon these five, fleeting phenomena, not to suggest that mindfulness, concentration, and wisdom cannot be developed. Even though we have no real control over the unsatisfactory and impermanent nature of our existence, and this is evident by the fact that we cannot say, “Let my body be thus, Let my body not be thus. Let my feelings … perceptions … mental processes … consciousness be thus. Let my my feelings … perceptions … mental processes … consciousness not be thus” (SN 22.59), if you try to move your arm, your arm still moves. In other words, do not let the teachings on not-self lead to inaction but to right action.

The way I see it, craving is the cause of suffering, and to end suffering its cause must be removed; the difficulty arises when it comes to how exactly this is done. My theory is that craving is a very subtle aspect of the mind, or better put, that craving is a very subtle but powerful aspect of our psychology. It is there, latent in the mind, waiting to exert its influence through mental fabrications by directing or at the very least encouraging the mind to desire sensory experiences, to desire becoming, or to desire non-becoming, i.e., it is the “appetite” of the mind to feed upon sensory experiences via the five clinging-aggregates, the desire to desire. The problem is that these processes of subtle movement in the mind are so subtle that they are almost impossible to discern as they are taking place. That is where I believe meditation comes in; meditation helps to calm and still the mind so that these mental events become easier and easier to observe. One, in effect, uses conditionality in order to fabricate controlled states of mental absorption until they are able to discern the presence of craving, its movement in the mind, and the fact that even these refined and subtle states of mental absorption are ultimately stressful and unsatisfactory. This leads one to develop dispassion, and dispassion leads one to cease fabrication thus opening the doors to the deathless by ending the chain of causation. Therefore, my suggestion would be to stick with whatever method of meditation you find to be more conducive to attaining states of mental absorption and supplement that with a moderate amount of study to strengthen right view.

The irony of willpower is that it requires willpower to develop more of the same. The most obvious case in point is that meditation is an exercise of willpower that requires willpower. Willpower is what I’m missing most and it’s the thing I have the hardest time working on.

The most damning part is that willpower is something for which you can’t get a personal trainer, and which all the inspirational words in the world won’t change.

Step one is acceptance, right?

I’ve been practicing Kung Fu since October. My sifu is a bit rare, as I understand it, in that he absolutely insists that meditation be part of our practice, holds 5-minute meditations before every class, and has weekly 20-minute meditations on Thursday nights following a talk.

Out of my six months of practicing Kung Fu, I’d say I’ve actually done four months. Twice I allowed myself to become tied up with life and excuses and didn’t make it to the dojo for almost a month. This sort of behaviour is one of my stated reasons for starting to practice in the first place - I get ginned up for things and taper off; rinse and repeat.

Last week at meditation class, the topic was regularity and loyalty to practice. I felt the talk was directed at me specifically (30 or more people attend every week, so this is unlikely) and it started to dig at the root of my problem, I think.

This week I was thinking about how to start mediating on my own successfully. I’ve been a regular at the meditation class (when I’ve been active), but I’ve been wholly unsuccessful at meditating on my own. I’ve made half-hearted gambits, trying 3-minute meditations and such, but I could never continue with them. I’d do it once, then forget for several days or “not have time”, then take another stab, and then give up. I was preparing to go in this weekend and ask one of Sifu’s assistants for a really low-ball target that I could hit for meditation. Something just enough to get me started without giving up.

Then, last night, I once again felt like he had prepared a talk to address directly at me. The topic was meditation itself, which, oddly, isn’t much discussed during meditation class. He spent the duration talking about what a meditation schedule should consist of: short (3-5 min.), medium (20-30 min), and long (45+ min) meditations. Medium, he said, are the “bread and butter”: at least once a day EVERY DAY, preferably two; morning is the best time if you can only do one. The short ones are for interspersing throughout your day, maybe three times, at moments when you need it: closing your eyes while waiting in line, sitting in a back room at work, or even locking yourself in a restroom stall. The long meditations are for once a quarter, once a month, or once a week; whatever you can do.

And he was absolutely serious. Dead serious. A “I better not ask for a low-ball from anyone this weekend because holy crap he just told me what’s up” serious. And he drove home the idea of the long meditations being an endurance test for your will power. Of course, I knew that just a “medium” meditation would be such a test for me.

I was up too late last night; I had put off a trip to the grocery store and went to the 24-hour store around 11:30pm, when I should’ve been heading for bed. I knew I would have trouble getting up, but I got it in my head I was going to meditate in the morning. This morning, I sat up with the first noise of my alarm clock and was ready. As someone who typically hits the snooze 5 times, that was a novelty.

I reset the alarm for 20 minutes, and sat.

And sat.

Then I was too warm.

My sleeves were uncomfortable.

I was too warm again.

My legs were in a bad position.

Back wasn’t straight.

Back started getting really tired.

Then I wanted to jump up and run from the room. I wanted to stop SO BADLY. I had things to do. I WANTED TO YELL and jump up and say “good enough”. I was positively bursting to get up. BURSTING. My mind was screaming to let it go. Screaming. This never happens during a group meditation, but I’m surprised it took even this long to happen on my own - usually I can’t make 5 minutes!

But this time I sat some more. I refused to get up.

Then my legs started to go to sleep so I moved them.

Then I could barely keep my back straight it was so tired, so I quietly scooted back a few inches to the wall.

My mind calmed a little.

And then the alarm went off. I opened my eyes and wanted to hit the snooze alarm so I could meditate longer, but I had to get ready for work!

I find this to be a pattern: if I can stick with it long enough, suddenly it becomes a positive thing. I found myself wishing on Thursday night that I hadn’t missed my opportunity to go to class on Wednesday because now I just plain missed it. Sifu said that’s when you know you’re doing something right: you stop having to meditate and start wanting to meditate. I’m almost there for Kung Fu, but I’m nowhere near it for meditation. I hope I can make it there, though.

When I decided to meditate in the morning, I knew it I needed to do it the next day too. And the next. And keep going… forever. Forever is a long time, but I think that’s the decision I need to keep in mind. I’m not doing it “tomorrow”. I’m doing it. Maybe that’s where I’ve been falling short.